Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
