My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
