if you like me you must not know who I am
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
