please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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