Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
