seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
