guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This baby is an asshole
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
