I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
