Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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