surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize