I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have peed in a lot of sinks
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
