Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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