So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
