She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
