Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
