Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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