Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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