your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
