just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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