Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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