Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
