just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
