Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
