I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
