i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
