he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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