I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
