we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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