this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
