your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
