the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize