Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
