Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
