so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
