so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
