I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
