My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Randomize
