Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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