Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
