NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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