hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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