now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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