I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize