My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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