in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
