Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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