I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize