Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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