she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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