So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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