dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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