Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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