Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
