also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
