That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's like heaven, but drunker
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
