You're my little dorito
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
