well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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