please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
