i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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