I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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