I want to make a zoo with you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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